i sat alone in the dark, worrying, praying you’d be allright.. wondering what you might be doing, would you be ok? upon my surprise i was told that you were out having fun with her.. i hit the wall till my knuckles bleed.. i dint know why did i ever do that.. or even what made me do it.. but i know one thing’s for sure, i’m in love with you..
my tears rolled down my cheek.. i brushed them off fiercely and tried to not think of you.. but as i turned aside, i saw my purse.. damn i cursed, something was kept warm in it.. the picture we once took, the smile we once had.. has it all gone away? or maybe all this while, was i the one who’s been a total fool?
i know it’s my mistake, yes it totally is.. i shouldnt have trust you too much.. i shouldnt have put all my hopes on you.. i shouldnt have believed every word you promised.. cos this is just what it all happens.. everything, crashing down right on my feet.. i asked myself, now where an idiot such like me to stand? as tears keep flowing, i kept fighting the feelings i had for you.. fighting the strong love that grew foolishly inside me over you.. there’s so many other ones’ out there.. why cant i just forget bout u and move on? i cant find the answer, but i can feel my heart pumping so fast.. i could barely breathe, i snatched the bottle of pills frm my bag.. the one that i call the "pain-killer" to this foolish game of love..
it has been five fours since i last heard from you.. you’ve never done this to me, unless the times when you’re with her.. the text messages i sent, were not replied.. the calls i made, couldnt get thru.. as you said earlier, you had low battery.. now i wonder, was that a lie too?
finally, it was half past eleven.. i grab my mobile and punch in your number.. if at this time, your mobile was still shut.. i said to myself, i certainly am an idiot.. i heard a dial tone and smiled behind my soar eyes.. but i dont know why, seeing your name on my screen, just made it worst.. instead of me jumping into the fist of air.. it was all the other way round.. i couldnt bare the pain any longer and bit my lips so hard.. as i read your message i feel the pain, like a million needles, poking slowly thru my heart..
you acted like nothing was wrong, and i hated that.. but i stayed strong, ignoring your existance.. after two seconds, it beeps beeps and yet beeps again.. you werent intend to call, but just to leave a MISS CALL.. pictures and thoughts started stacking on my mind.. for certain reasons, i got totally mad at myself.. i was out of control, threw my mobile as it crashes on the floor.. once again, i covered my face with tears.. i screamed out loud, screamed out for your name.. but i know i had to do it, or the night would never end..
i ran over to my parents room, searching for something i’ve hidden over a promise.. with a word sorry, i removed the cap.. i could feel the cold metal, so small yet sharp.. i held it close to the scar i once had, over the same person.. i closed my eyes and did what i’ve been wanting to do.. i felt a lil relieve as i opened my eyes.. i see my bright red blood dripping on the floor.. as i feel the slight pain, i sat on floor and said to myself..
"I HATE MYSELF FOR LOVING YOU"
