why do i feel so sucky at times? why do these feelings visit me every now and then? why cant i just leave all my past behind and really move on with life? i thought i had, i thought everything will never be the same again.. i thought things was gona get better.. but guess what? its getting worst than i could ever imagine!
at times i could be so happy, get crazy and be myself like who i really am. at times i sit alone thinking am i just pretending to be happy? i often wonder why and what made me this way today. but i never once find the answer, no.. its not in myself, atleast its what i think. its weird to be myself. i dont wanna be perfect, i can never be. am an average girl like everybody else, but they claim that am NOT. people label me, but i dont give a damn. people misjudge me, well its up to them. people gossip bout me, they have their own rights. i’ve ignored so many things, tho it really hurt me at times. people dislike and hate me so much, but only god knows.. how much i love them. i still care and will always concern for the ones i know. even we’ve once been thru the dark times, no matter whos wrong or right.. take my word on this, in my heart and in my mind, each and every one of your foot prints remains here. the memories will stay fresh in me till my hair goes grey and even when lord takes my life with Him. = ) owkie.. pause for a moment. if you were wondering, am still a buddhist okay.
my family was never as perfect as people think it is. but am thankful. it has been almost 3 years that my dad has been jobless. yeah, nobody knows but who cares anyway. i guess i shouldnt get very much into detail bout that. right now, am totally not in talking terms with him. we sorta had a fight or maybe just an argument. frankly, it was very immature of him. all he does is find a reason to start of a fight. my mum gets that all the time, but me? no way. if he accuses me of something i NEVER DID, sorry but there wont be any tolerance in this matter. its already bout 3 weeks since i last spoke to him. tho one of the good effects from this is that the relation between me and my mum is getting much better. so.. it isnt that bad after all rite?
my mother is a great hero in my eyes. shes my super-woman; strong, tough and everything a hero is. i love her with all my heart tho i dont exactly know how to express it. i usually go against her, well it has always been that way. i promised her something i dont think i can do. she looks at me proudly but to the awful fact, am just a big disappointment. sometimes at night, i just sit on the floor of my room and cry. i cry for what of a failure i am. i try my very best to make her proud, proud of who i really am. but at the end of the day, i get rebellious and be someone am totally not. its like, theres two identities in me. and the dark side always win. can someone actually tell me what to do? can anyone help me out? i dont know. besides that, she tends to misunderstand me most of the time. i know how much she dislikes someone that was once in my life, yes its mr. punkass. but oh mother.. its all OVER. trust me! *hmph*
now when it comes to you and me. yes, you zach. i get totally speechless. am so much in guilt. sorry is the only word i can really think of. my feelings were real, i wasnt playing around. i thought i could give my whole heart to you. i thought it was all over. but each time i see him *now i know why people dislike him* pass me by, see him from a distance, his smile brings me back to once upon a time. i think i still need time, cant afford to move on for the moment. i dont wanna be selfish, so its the best for you, and for us. i dont wanna be unfaithful, i dont wanna crush your high hopes on me. you’re too good, too perfect for someone like me. you deserve someone much better than i am. tho it was a short period of happiness, but its more than enough. i thank you so much for that. and like what i said to him is what i’ll say to you.. wish you all the best and i’ll be praying for your happiness. remember, when you’re happy, am happy too = )
to all my friends that will soon be leaving or already left:: ben left to new zealand last week. alvin is already in UK. same goes to steven in australia. kaye is going to dubai, getting married eh? lol. steph will be flying to america to meet donald trump? hahax. tracy says bill gates just employed her as a personal assistant? lmao! and oh yeah, juinn to UK too = ) hey guys.. we might not be able to see each other or keep in touch *theres a thing call telephone or mail tho* that often but.. dont forget me aight? do your best! dont disappoint your loved ones back home. and on top of all, DONT BE NAUGHTY! XP
ahh.. lets end this thingy with.. humm.. JOANNA! my bitchest friend alive, lol. i love ya loads! be who you are not who you’re not. *together-gether we get crazy aight* YEH! my selfish sista, lmao. i love you too la.. you’ve gota start learning not to dump others aside tho. *got your friends then forget me uh, sigh* and ROGER! i just realise, am gona be an aunty! end of this month rite? you’re excited.. AM ALSO EXCITED! hahax. rowk on bro! ; )
Note: definition of WANNABEs‘; an avid fan or follower who hero-worships and tries to emulate the person he or she admires, modelling personal appearance, dress, etc on this person. also, more generally, anyone who wants to be someone else. two words from me, BACK OFF! no hard feelings tho.
